ALI-G MEETS MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELLORS

ALI-G: I is eer kickin’ it wid counsellors Bob Spittlequork and Casandra Bloomgoats, to see why they has to talk to people wid mental problems. What is a counsellor? Is it like Derrick Hatton who started all the poll tax? Why do mad people need someone like that to talk to?

BOB SPITTLEQUORK: No, were not political people or protestors - we listen to people, and give them advice on their problems so they can make good individual choices, and so we help them to see things in new perspectives.

Ali-G: Ie! So you is like my boys from the hood to get the word on what’s rappin’?CaSandra Bloomgoats: It’s about empathy and reassurance, yar.ALI-G: But what do they talk about? Is it about them being mad?

BOB SPITTLEQUORK: Well, we try to be good listeners to all their problems, and not to keep interrupting all the time!

ALI-G: Me with it! But what do they actually say to you?

CASANDRA BLOOMGOATS: About their problems and ...ALI-G: Yeah but what do they actually say without interpreting you all the time innit?

BOB SPITTLEQUORK: Interrupting, or butting in rudely you mean!

ALI-G: Ie! Me know I do!

CASANDRA BLOOMGOATS: We can’t exactly say what they tell us, that’s professional confidential information.

ALI-G: So you is like the CIA then?

BOB BLOOMGOATS: It’s about respecting the professional relationship and people’s privacy.

ALI-G: But what if one of them tell you they is weirdo's who are shagging their sister Like Signet Freud said?

BOB SPITTLEQUORK: Well we listen to what they want to tell us and ...

ALI-G: ... and what if you is drunk wid your mates, and you start telling em about these mad people, who kill all the Daily Mail readers and shag their sisters? What do you do then?! What?!

CASANDRA BLOOMGOATS: Well we share information amongst our own mental health team, but not outside with the public or with our friends.

ALI-G: So you can’t have a good laugh about all the nutters then?

BOB SPITTLEQUORK: Well, there’s a lot of humour in our work, but we try to take what our clients tell us seriously, and we try to get them to take things much more seriously about themselves and others.

CASANDRA BLOOMGOATS: Yar, life isn’t just a joke is it, y’know.

ALI-G: What, so them can’t have a good laugh at you then, and take the piss back?

CASANDRA BLOOMGOATS: We laugh with people sometimes, but not at them.ALI-G: So you can all be nutters together like - me got it!

BOB SPITTLEQUORK: And we don’t use words like "mad" or "nutters".

CASANDRA BLOOMGOATS: Yar.

ALI-G: Why not? Are you mad as well?

CASANDRA BLOOMGOATS: Because we don’t think it’s very polite or civilised.

ALI-G: No, because them might beat you up like, me know, so you do it when they is not looking.

CASANDRA BLOOMGOATS: We don’t tolerate threats or abusive langauge.

ALI-G: Ie!

BOB SPITTLEQUORK: Yes, we’re not at liberty to tell others the actual content of what our clients tell us, but they often have worries about their parents, their families or friends, or about who they are, their mental health symptoms, or their sexuality.

ALI-G: Do you give advice on how to shag a woman if they has given it to some woman up the wrong end like?

CASANDRA BLOOMGOATS: That is not our job, we’re are not sex-therapists or prostitutes.

ALI-G: Because them like couldn’t afford it, me know, or they could like go and see my sister for a one-hand shandy for a fiver.

BOB SPITTLEQUORK: Yes, that wouldn’t be regarded as very desirable or therapuetic on the NHS.ALI-G: Maybe it should be, if them feel a bit randy like.

CASANDRA BLOOMGOATS: No.

ALI-G: So how many times do they see you for the rappin’ and the chillin like?

BOB SPITTLEQUORK: Well, we have a long waiting list, and people come to us through their GPs, their doctors or psychiatrists, but we terminate the sessions after a while if there’s no progress or real understanding.

ALI-G: You is like the terminators, me know.

CASANDRA BLOOMGOATS: Yes, because the patients can form an unhealthy attachment.

ALI-G: You mean if they start getting the bronco for you, or jacking off on you like when they go back home?

BOB SPITTLEQUORK: Clients can also sometimes form child-parent attachments, and then they make an unhealthy parental transference with therapists.

ALI-G: Ie! Me know what transfers are.

CASANDRA BLOOMGOATS: Yar.

ALI-G: I am now going to terminate this session, but I as been rappin’ and a boppin it wid Bob Spittlequork and Casandra Bloomgoats, counsellors for people wid mental-talk problems. Boom shaka! Boom shaka! Respect!